Tag Archives: people

Fibro hell (pain central)

I try to keep up appearances but there are weeks, days, even minutes that I have to breathe through the pain. One of the main things I don’t understand is that when I am talking to my specialist; she says that all the pain I am going through has nothing to do with the fibromyalgia. Yet when I go into pages for people with fibro, they have the same issues. So how can this not be related to Fibro. So I go see an Neuro doctor and she says she can’t help me and not to come back. So I find a new Neuro Doctor and he has no clue what is going on with me. Now my Rheumy doctor says I need to go to the Mayo clinic; but guess what???? Thanks to Obama care, my insurance won’t cover me to visit that clinic. I can get to it with the help of family but I have to put up $5000 deposit. SMH.

They make it very hard to receive disability but I can’t do anything that would allow me be able to work. Between the pain and fatigue and all this God awful medication; nothing works. I have tried Lyrica and I swelled up; then I tried Cymbalta and it affected my sugar so I had to go off it and the side affects were worse coming off then they were being on. It took me over a year to Cymbalta. I look at my docs like they must be crazy if I am going to take it again.

I fall alot, I do seem to be able to catch myself most of the time. I can get up from my bed and then fall right back down to where I was sitting. On these days, I have to grab my cane (my 3rd leg) to get up from the bed and go where I need to.

I am so not looking forward to the day that I can no longer drive. I see it heading my way and it is heading this way alot sooner than I ever thought it would. I have weakness in my left leg; sometimes when I am walking (actually weebling & wobbling) my leg will stop and not go with me. I have seen my leg stop in mid-stride. It just sits there in the air hanging out until my brain can make it work again.

I tell everyone that as long as my diabetes and my asthma are under control, I have nothing to fear. Everything else that is wrong with me  will just make me miserable. But between you and me, I sometimes wonder if whatever this is that is wrong with me, could kill me. There is only so much pain you live through; I don’t want to be any more of  a burden to my DH, than I already am.

I don’t look forward to the day when someone has to go to the bathroom with me. That is going to be so embarrassing and humiliating. When that day comes I pray that I have lost quite a bit of weight so whomever is taking care of, that I don’t cause their back to go out.

I promise I usually have a bright out look  on life and I enjoy my family and life in general; but today is one of my pity parties that is only allowed 30 minutes. If I let it go on any longer than that, then I will have to go to the looney bin.

Advertisements

My heart is breaking……

I am so heartbroken; please bare with me as I go through this. I turned on my television yesterday; I found myself not wanting to watch another Christmas movie. Hallmark channel has been playing them since Halloween. (SMH). So I went to my detective shows and that channel was presenting the stories of 4 black men that had been lynched. 3 of the men were in southern states and 1 of the men was in upper New York.

You have to understand, I am a white lady raised in the South; mainly Georgia in the years of growing up that shaped me to who I am today. I was raised that I am not better than my neighbor and they are not any better than me. We all get up in the morning and put our pants on the same way. I was taught to think of us as being a box of crayon. We each have our purpose.

I am naive and I know I am; but maybe I am silly I don’t know. I truly thought we had all gotten past hate and racisim. I suppose that it is here and I choose to ignore what is there. I just don’t understand how there can be so much hate. Yes the black culture got a raw deal in the beginning and their history makes them wary.

I just don’t understand how one human being can mistreat another human being. It breaks my heart. I know there are other issues and I can’t go into them. But to lynch a black man because he liked, or he was dating, or even looked at a white woman is beyond my comprehension.

To further break my heart, it would seem that people that were going to the police to try to help solve these murders were dying in one manner or another. So many people have information and are scared to death to bring it the proper authorities.

Here is the worse thing about it. They were all labeled as suicides. Now mind you everything is one sided and I can only go on with what was presented; but these 4 men don’t seem to have committed suicide.

I wish things were not like this and everyone could get along.

Distractions

I find that it is so easy to become distracted, especially when you are really trying to get things accomplished.

I have so many projects that I need to work on and yet there they sit. Some untouched just waiting to be worked and some having been worked yet unfinished. And yet all that can be done is to shake one’s head; which I do quite often. On a good day though, projects get done and the thought of getting out and mailing them or delivering is bewildering.

I pray that I don’t do this to my precious Abba and yet it happens. Why is it so easy to become distracted when all HE wants is to spend some quiet time with you? Psalm 46:10a specifically states “Be still, and know that I am God!” Be still, Be still. What such an easy statement to make and yet a task so hard to accomplish. I love my Heavenly Abba, yet I am so easily distracted (I could and do at times, blame it on my health). That is not right though, is it? My intentions are good but are they good for my Abba or are they good for me? I know I try to honor Abba in all things that I do. I wonder if it is enough for HIM. He knows our hearts so only he knows whether it is good enough; just in case I keep trying to honor him.

You are told to pray all the time, I believe that praying all the time is more like keeping a conversation going at all times. Keeping the phone line, so to speak, open and talking as need be. This Sunday, our preacher was talking about being a believer and he was preaching from Acts 2:42-47. In verse 42, it talks about what can be expected as a believer. As devoted (continuously without stopping – without fail) believers of the apostles teaching can expect 4 things.

*To bring a hunger to learn – expect solid teaching

*Bring a passion for others (fellowship) – expect to be loved and you to love others – expect to be reminded of HIM – Jesus saves – Is Jesus always centered in your mind?

*Bring a commitment to prayer – (praying without ceasing – talk to Abba all the time)
Someone asks you to pray. Feel free to add this request to a list but before you do PRAY right then and there. This hit me where I sat in my wheelchair. In the last few years, I have considered myself a prayer warrior, I can pray with the best of them, but do I try so very hard to pray every time as soon as I am asked. That is why DISTRACTIONS can become so easy. Someone is counting on you to bring their request to God ( Abba ) and yet you allowed yourself to be distracted and then you don’t remember what you were suppose to pray for or whom.

I use the notepad in my phone to place the prayer requests so that I always have them with me and yet I still allow myself to be distracted. All I can do is shake my head at my own failing.

And yet, I know Abba loves me and he knows I will be back. I always come back to HIM no matter what. I have notebooks around me at all times that have prayer requests. I truly try to pray as soon as I am asked to send one up; I can’t let myself be distracted and yet. Some would say that it is the Devil causing you to be distracted. The only thing he can do is plant the idea, you have to make the decision to be distracted.

I want to try an exercise and wonder whom would like to try this with me. Get 2 jars, no matter the size and as soon as someone asks you for prayer. Say the prayer then write down and place it in a jar. When that prayers is answered take it out of the one jar and write down the what God’s answer is even if HIS answer is NO, still place it there on that paper. Once it is done, then place the paper in the other jar. This will allow you to see what God is doing in your life and of those HE has placed in your path. Then from time to time let me know if you find that Abba is answering your prayers. You don’t have to give out details but I would love to hear how your experience goes. And I will do the same so those of you that are reading my blog can follow along.